See here for the full post. It's quite ridiculous, and very funny.
I'm in need of a Manhattan cocktail maker for part-time work. My Manhattan consists of premium bourbon whiskey, sweet vermouth and dry vermouth - garnished with a cherry. My personal preference is to enjoy a Manhattan in an ice-chilled clear martini glass, where the condensation dribbles dreamily down the stem. What I'm looking for is someone (male, female and transgendered are welcome) to stand at my home bar - and restaurants where they make lousy drinks - before meals and mix my Manhattan so I can enjoy drinking one (not making one). Note: Manhattans are the only thing I drink.
You will be informed (via mobile phone) when and where my next cocktail is to be mixed. You will arrive in a crisp white cocktail jacket half-an-hour ahead of time and await me in the grand room of my palatial Beach Drive estate. When I host guests, you will be expected to make drinks only for me. When the party is over, you will leave and await your next contact.
You and I will not speak for the duration of my drinking, yet my guests may at times wish to chat you up. You may converse with them, but you will only speak when spoken to - and in pig-Latin. Eye contact with me is unadvised, as my eyes are usually extremely bloodshot.
What you'll need:
Transportation: you will need to provide your own transportation to and from my estate. If I am traveling outside of the greater Victoria area, transportation assistance funds will be provided. The ideal candidate will already possess a valid BC driver's license.
Communication: It is essential that I am able to communicate with you at all times. While I normally enjoy a very traditional drinking schedule - cinq-a-sept, sometimes my exotic tastes and whims can bring me to the bar at strange times. Other times, it is my work that effects when and where I drink. As a part of this position, I will provide you with an Iridium Satellite phone so I may reach you when I need you. The first day you don't show up at the appointed time will be the day I repost this ad to find your replacement. If you already have a satellite-linked phone for personal use, I can provide a stipend to pay for the monthly service.
Physical Fitness: You will stand for the duration of my drinking, so the ideal candidate will have the physical fitness to remain standing in place for as long as three hours. If you arrive at my estate ahead of me, I wish to encounter you standing as you prepare for my entrance. A previous employee could not follow this simple rule and was summarily terminated. Please understand that while I have the utmost respect for my employees, I at no time wish to see you seated. This is not a position for someone with chronic leg/lower back pain, or someone who wishes to take breaks every 15 minutes. It is also no secret that I love the platonic form of beauty, but I am an equal opportunity employer and I welcome cover letters, resumes/CVs and photographs from all races, sexes and species.
Attire: I am an important man within my community and it would be unbecoming of me to consort with men or women who dress poorly. While in service, your cocktail jacket is not to be worn outside of work.
Requisite Skills: While I have posted this opportunity in the hospitality section, the reality is that I am open to candidates from many walks of life. While a background in mixology competition is helpful, I only required that you make an excellent cocktail. Your task will be to simply make a great Manhattan.
Frequently Asked Questions:
How will I be paid?: You will be paid cash in person when the last drop of the last evening's Manhattan is drunk.
Are there benefits?: While this is a contract position, I am open to the idea of building a long term business relationship with the right candidate.
How do I apply for this position?: Please send an e-mail with your contact information as well as a photo and a cover letter detailing why you are a candidate worth my time. Please note that only those selected for a personal interview will receive a reply. Those who do not meet the physical requirements, or those who fail to include a full length photo will obviously not be contacted.Isn't that amusing? 'You may only speak to my guests in Pig Latin.' Mysterious... Should I apply? I do make a mean Manhattan. No, it must be a joke, right? It must be.
Image via here.