Starting over...

This post is from my original blog All My Little Words posted on December 31, 2009.

Some twenty-ten Anyone?

"It's time to start living the life you've imagined." ~ Henry James

As the year and decade (gulp!) are coming to a close I have been contemplating my navel; my goals, fears, health, relationships, state, tastes, interests, needs and wants. About a month ago I came across "101 Goals in 1001 days." 1001 days is roughly 2.75 years. I feel like that's enough time to not feel pressured to do all of it at once. Proactive baby steps. "Making a list, checking it twice, gonna find out who's naughty or nice..." I'm going public with my goals. That way I have public failure (scary!) as well as the worst sort or failure, the personal one, as the alternative. I'm not going to bore you with all 101 right away. Truthfully, I haven't finished the list, I'm at 55, so for now I'm going to divulge what the cruxes of it are.
I want to be as fit as a fiddle - or an athlete. I want to fall in love with exercise again. I want to start playing tennis again and do some ballet and dance and ski and hike and all of the above! I want to feel the burst of adrenaline and the sense of camaraderie from running a marathon. It's time. "Don't be satisfied with 25% of what you can be." ~ the slightly cheesy yet always helpful Dr. Oz.

I would like to be innately peaceful. Yes, this old chestnut. Contented. Balanced. Strong. Surrendered to what is. Unidentified with my thoughts. Ergo in the new year I will be practicing yoga everyday! Through meditation, sun salutations, and of course asanas, but not just the asanas. I will live my yoga. Mindfully and presently. Disclaimer: this next one is not for everyone. Cultivate a connection with God - or all that is God. (Not the abusive fundamentalist one. More along the lines of the Buddhist one.)
I'd like to create a homey nook for myself - my very own oasis. I am crazily craving a home that I can decorate to my tastes, where I can till the habits that will make me the person I want to be. A mostly stress-free and safe and warm environment. Very, very warm.
I want to connect with like-minded individuals. Find people that are on the same page as me and are on the same path as me. Support through conviviality and comradeship without sanctimony. A big pet peeve of mine is when someone tells you what they think is best for you. I'm not a fixer-upper for you to hammer away at! Put your tools away! A passage I came across defines it beautifully, "Psychoanalysis teaches that nothing is more dangerous than wanting good things for someone else, since you're simply projecting your own needs onto the other, and one day you are going to make the other pay for that famous good that you were trying to impose." ~ by the psychoanalyst Corrine Maier. In short, my ideas for this is to start a book club - a spiritually themed one, a creativity circle and a craft club. Into the bargain, I plan to streamline those toxic relationships or at least create a distance so that they don't have a primary role in my life. To leave room for the non-ego-oriented types. Yay for modest people!
I want to carve a career that stimulates me. Something that encompasses fashion, art, architecture and music without all the pretentiousness that is involved with it. In fact, it will be quite the opposite. I am going to make sure these things are accessible and welcoming without being degraded or degrading. So much about these industries are condescendingly competitive. I believe in a healthy competition as much as the next guy, but why all the I'm-holier-hipper-and-overall-better-than-thou BS? Is it really necessary? Too much ego if you ask me! When it comes to fashion, for example, often clothing available to the financially less privileged or even financially average and horizontally gifted (larger) women is the mass-produced kind that is a distant copy of what's the latest trend or on the runway.
This suggests: you do not deserve to look or feel good, or look like them. You must look subpar. Most of the time, it's those women that need help to feel good and fabulous. Thus, I am going to create it for myself - hence the carving. I see what I am going to accomplish as a masterpiece that is currently a block of marble. Only with time will I have carved glimpses of what I will achieve. I think it was Michelangelo who created that analogy. The only inklings I have are is that no, I will not go into communications or marketing, even if I might be good at it... and no, I will not wear a suit to work, no disdain for those who do. I willfucking swear on the job if I want to. I will do it my way... It's my life and it's now or never. Thanks Frank and Bon. So, I have plans. Big ones.
I want to help. I think the greatest gift and role in life is to serve. I plan to serve. To help in whichever way I can. Volunteering - hosting fundraisers - karma parties etc.
I want a life with lots and lots of love. I want to give love and receive love. This includes: Loving moi-même... i.e. practicing self-compassion, self-acceptance, self-care, etc.
Loving my family... i.e. learning to love being patient! and generally less reactive. Breathing through scenarios that would usually make me cringe and want to scream. Accepting them as they are.
Loving my friends... i.e. letting them know how much I appreciate them. i.e. GET BETTER AT WRITING AND key word: SENDING THANK YOU LETTERS! "Have a great day," post-its. Sending "thinking of you" links and whatnot. Surprise treats. (I know, you want to be my friend right? hehe)
Loving a pet - I want a dog sooo badly! *sigh*
Love a lover. Yep. It's on the list. I'm going to get out there. I don't think I'm at the stage where I date actively, but at least I'm musing on it!
In conclusion. Without over doing it on the cheese, I want to talk about the inner goddess. With the help of some great spiritual reading, I've come to understand that intuition is the voice of 'God' within me. If I stay true to myself along this journey my flame will continue to burn and I will shine... and I thought these photos were complementary.

Wishing you and yours the very best in the new year and decade.

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